Friday, November 23, 2012

-390- Marital Discord In Islam 2

NUSHOOZ ~ “MARITAL DISCORD IN Islam” 2

By Shaikh Abdullah Faisal
09.02.2012 (Night Dars)


NOTES typed by AT-21
Edited and Formatted by AT21/AT7


Bismillah...


When we don't want the Muslims’ deen to fall, we put them in the Islamic state
-and to preserve our 6 sacred things

OUR 6 SACRED THINGS:
1. LIFE
2. HONOUR
3. INTELLECT
4. WEALTH
5. DEEN
6. LINEAGE


NUSHOOZ OF THE HUSBAND (in a nutshell)

1) HE WRONGFULLY, ARROGANTLY ELEVATING HIMSELF ABOVE HIS WIFE
-he comes with low opinions about women
-perhaps he saw his father mistreating his own mother


2) HE OPPRESSES HER TYRANNICALLY (PERHAPS BY CALLING HER ILL-NAMES)
-even though it's haram to do name-calling in Islam
-verbal abuse is more hurtful than physical abuse

Allah said:

O you who believe! Let not a group scoff at another group, it may be that the latter are better than the former; nor let (some) women scoff at other women, it may be that the latter are better than the former, nor defame one another, nor insult one another by nicknames. How bad is it, to insult one's brother after having Faith [i.e. to call your Muslim brother (a faithful believer) as: "O sinner", or "O wicked", etc.]. And whosoever does not repent; then such are indeed Zālimûn (wrong-doers, etc.). (Al-Hujurat 49:11)

-this ayah is talking about nicknames, in general
-not only in marriage

Shaikh in Jamaica as a child:
-a man choked on a hot dog and got the nickname 'hot dog'
-he would run after anyone in the crowd, regardless of who shouted the name
-he took the name to his grave


3) BEATING HER UP UN-ISLAMICALLY AND BE CRUEL
-some men like wife-beating

Fatimah bint Qays went to the Prophet seeking marital advice when both Mu’awiyah Ibin Abu Sufyan and Abu Jahm had proposed to her. The Prophet told her, "Mu’awiyah is stingy and tight fisted) and Abu Jahm beats his women." So marry Usamah instead. [Sahih Muslim (2/1114) No. 1480, Sunan Abu Dawud (2/285) No. 2284, Sunan Tirmidhi (3/440) No. 1134, Sunan An-Nasa'i (6/75) No. 3245]


LESSONS FROM THIS HADEETH:

1. THERE IS NO BACKBITING WITH REGARDS TO CHARACTER REFERENCE WHEN IT IS TO DO WITH MARRIAGE
-we have an obligation to answer honestly when we're approached for a reference
-if you're not approached, do NOT volunteer the information
-the Prophet (pbuh) waited till he was approached, then he gave an honest opinion
-some people get jealous when 2 people are getting married (misery likes company)


2. A WISE WOMAN ALWAYS SEEKS ADVICE FROM A RIGHTEOUS MAN
-when she gets a marriage proposal


3. THE PROPHET (SAWS) DESPISED MEN WHO ARE MEAN AND BEAT THEIR WIVES


4. THE RASOOL (SAW) WAS KNOWLEDGEABLE IN REGARDS TO FIQHUL WAAQI
-he knew about his Companions
-he knew who was a wife-beater, who was kind to women, etc.
-this is a proper leader
-how can you be a successful matchmaker if you do not know your Companions?


5. WHEN A WOMAN IS BEAUTIFUL AND COMES FROM A TRIBE OF NOBLE STATUS, SHE WILL BE FLOODED WITH PROPOSALS


6. THE PROPHET (SAW) WAS ALWAYS KEEN TO GET RID OF TRIBALISM BY WAY OF MARRIAGE


7. LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON
-Abu Sufyan was tight-fisted, so was Mu’awiya
-when the Rasool said to Hind 'don't steal,' she said her husband was stringy
-so he gave her permission to take from him the money she needed to run the home

Narrated By 'Aisha: Hind bint 'Utba said, "O Allah's Apostle! Abu Sufyan is a miser and he does not give me what is sufficient for me and my children. Can I take of his property without his knowledge?" The Prophet said, "Take what is sufficient for you and your children, and the amount should be just and reasonable. [Sahih Bukhari, Vol 7, Book 64, Hadith #277]

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great. (An-Nisa 4:34)


4) THE HUSBAND REFUSING TO MAINTAIN HIS WIFE FINANCIALLY


5) HE DOESN'T OFFER ANY FORM OF PROTECTION FOR HIS WIFE;
-e.g. her honor in front of others


6) HIS BACK BITING HER TO OTHERS


7) HE HAS 2 WIVES AND USES ONE TO HURT THE OTHER
-he might mention the love-making techniques of one wife to the other wife
-husbands must treat ALL wives as if they were the only wife he has
-not every man has the taqwa for polygamy because they come to Islam from jaahiliyyah
-he has 2 wives and doesn't spend time equally with both
-he treats one with resentment (perhaps one is younger or prettier)
-one might be more exciting so the husband
-doesn't want to leave the home of one wife to go to the other
-if you can't do justice, then marry 1 wife

And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice. (An-Nisa 4:3)

Polygamy causes nushooz when it's not practiced properly


8) HE BOYCOTTING SPEAKING TO HIS WIFE FOR A LONG TIME
-disciplining her in this manner is permitted
-but if she does not disobey, you can't boycott her


9) BOYCOTTING HER INTIMATELY IS A DIFFERENT TYPE OF NUSHOOZ
-she has her jim3aa needs and rights (jim3aa = intimacy between spouses)
-it is compulsory to go to bed with her once every 4 days


10) HE FORCING HER TO DO HARAM THINGS SUCH AS REMOVING HER HIJAB IN FRONT OF NON-MAHRAM


11) HE BREAKING HIS PRE-NIKAH AGREEMENTS, SUCH AS
-promising they would live alone or she didn't have to work outside the home,
-or she can continue her education
-then he changes his mind


12. THE HUSBAND DISPLAYS AFFECTION TO ONE WIFE IN FRONT OF ANOTHER WIFE
-this is kuffaar behaviour

~Threesomes are nushooz~


13. GOING TO BED WITH YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY AFTER VERBALLY OR PHYSICALLY ABUSING HER
-she needs time between these two acts


14. HE BOYCOTTS HER BY SPEAKING TO HER RUDELY, CRUDELY
-or not going to her bed within 4 days


15. HE CRITICIZES HER IN FRONT OF OTHERS, SEEKING TO HUMILIATE
-and disgrace her (even if better to correct her behind closed doors)
-this applies to husband or wife
-correction must be done behind CLOSED DOORS and NOT in front of others


16. HE CRITICIZES HER PHYSICAL DEFECTS
-such as stretch-marks from pregnancy, or she has 1 breast
-because of breast-cancer, or weight gain after pregnancy
-he may expect her to weigh what she did when she was young and hadn't had children yet


17. WHEN SHE BECOMES HEAVILY PREGNANT, HE STOPS BEING ATTRACTED TO HER
-even though she is carrying his baby
-he starts to chase other women who are not pregnant

18. HE HAS EVIL SUSPICIONS ABOUT HIS WIFE (SUCH AS CHEATING) EVEN WHEN SHE IS NOT CHEATING
-men with small genitalia accuse women falsely; they like to kill women, as well
-these men don't allow their wives to even go to the masjid (they are so jealous)
-but they let her go to the supermarket; this is hypocrisy

O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah. Verily, Allah is the One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful. (Al-Hujurat 49:12)


19. HE HAS 2 WIVES BUT HE LEAVES ONE WIFE "HANGING"
-"hanging" means you are married to her and
-don't give her financial support or sexual needs

You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them (by giving her more of your time and provision) so as to leave the other hanging (i.e. neither divorced nor married) And if you do justice, and do all that is right and fear Allah by keeping away from all that is wrong, then Allah is Ever Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful. (An-Nisa 4:129)

There's no hope for the white man in Europe; they are a done-deal
-but the white man in the US believes in God and marriage
-women who are 40 ought not to get pregnant
-but there are men in jail who say to their wives,
-'wait for me to get out of prison in 10 years'
-many wives came to Shaikh to have their marriages annulled
-because their husbands were in prison for many years
-their biological clock is ticking

20. HE OPPRESSES HIS WIFE BY BEATING HER UP ESPECIALLY ABOUT MISTAKES SHE MADE LONG AGO
-he carries grudges regarding her behavior long ago, so he didn't really forgive her
-this man behaves like a Khawarij with his wife; they don't forgive
-the white kuffaar are Khawarij and unforgiving / punitive
-they say IF YOU DO THE CRIME, DO THE TIME OR PAY THE FINE
-such as US, where they have the largest prison population in the world
-for small infractions too, such as CAR EMISSIONS TEST - CAR INSURANCE
-forgetting to renew these licenses, can get you jail time in the US


21. NUSHOOZ OF THE HUSBAND LOOKING DOWN ON THE WIFE'S FAMILY
-saying his family or tribe is better than hers
-to criticize her parents

WHAT IS THE HUKM ON NUSHOOZ?
-some scholars say it is a major haram and may make someone apostate from the deen
-many reverts come into Islam and have a bad experience with the MUSLIMS,
-so they leave Islam

WHAT IS THE EVIDENCE IF SOMEONE COMES TO ISLAM AND IS NOT TREATED PROPERLY, THEY WILL APOSTATE?

-we must treat the reverts with kindness or they can apostate

And by the Mercy of Allah, you dealt with them gently. And had you been severe and harsh hearted, they would have broken away from about you; so pass over (their faults), and ask (Allah’s) Forgiveness for them; and consult them in the affairs. Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). (Aali Imran 3:159)


NUSHOOZ IN SPEECH
-the wife needs to speak politely to her husband
-when she no longer speaks to him respectfully, this can mean she is having an affair
-when the man calls her to sit beside him, she comes in a recalcitrant manner
-ask, 'why the sudden change in her behavior?'
-you might call her for your conjugal rights
-but she refuses to go to you

~ HALLMARK OF AN AFFAIR: SUDDEN CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR OR SPEECH ~

Abu Huraira (RA) said: The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, "If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and thus he spends the night angry with her, the angels continue cursing her till the morning." [al-Bukhari (3237) and Muslim (1436)]

She might criticize her husband because of his physical shortcomings
-"look at you, you're a midget" (5'4") or metrically 165cm
-but she knew he was short before they got married
-she might criticize his financial shortcomings
-she might accuse him of things she didn't do
-because she wants an exit from the marriage
-when her love has died or the spark has died, she will find a spark with someone else
-she knows she needs a valid reason to divorce

Thawban (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said, ‘The woman who seeks divorce from her husband for no reason will not even smell the fragrance of Paradise.” [Sunan Abu Dawud (2/268) No. 2226, Sunan Tirmidhi (3/485) No. 1187, Sunan Ibn Majah (3/207) No. 2055, Sunan al-Darime (2/216) No. 2270, Musnad Ahmad (5/283) No. 22493]


NUSHOOZ BY THE DEED OF THE WIFE

1. SHE REFUSES TO GO TO BED WITH HER HUSBAND OR CUDDLE, HUG AND KISS HIM
-it's not permitted to turn away from the husband's kiss
-her kiss will become dismal and abysmal when she falls in love with someone else
-a wonderful kiss PROVES LOVE not intercourse
-prostitutes have intercourse but they do not kiss their client

~KISSING IS CHEATING~


2. HER LOCKING HER BEDROOM DOOR ON HER HUSBAND


3. WHEN HE GOES TO WORK, SHE CHANGES THE LOCKS TO LOCK HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE
-the only time you're permitted to change the locks is when he is a munafiq


4. HER LEAVING THE HOUSE WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF THE HUSBAND
-so he doesn't know where she is or who she is with
-some women when they have problems, ring a cab and leave
-the husband does not know where she is
-if you leave your husband's house without his permission and dies
-your hereafter will be in jeopardy unless he forgives you

Umm Salamah (RA) reported that Allahs Messenger (SAW) said, "Any woman, who dies while her husband is pleased with her, will enter Paradise." [Sunan Tirmidhi (3/466) No. 1161, Sunan Ibn Majah (3/59) No. 1854]


5. HER DIALING THE KAAFIR COPS TO HUMILIATE HER HUSBAND
-you can only call the cops on him if he is a munafiq or zindeeq
-because the sister's life may be in danger
-he may be violent and uses drugs
-in this case you can call the cops on him

But if he is sincere, you can only use Muslims to talk to him, not the cops


6. HER MENTIONING HER EX IN FRONT OF HER INCUMBENT HUSBAND
-you can't make your husband feel belittled by mentioning your former husband
-if the former was so wonderful, why did you divorce him?
-this is a weakness many sisters have


7. HER REFUSING TO TRAVEL WITH HER HUSBAND
-even though he needs the wife on his journey for his protection


8. HER FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN TO MAKE HER HUSBAND JEALOUS


9. OR DOING IT PRIVATELY ON THE PHONE/ONLINE WHEN HER HUSBAND IS AT WORK

The 2 types of flirting:
1) In front of the spouse
2) Behind their back on the phone or Internet


10. HER FASTING HER NAWAAFIL WITHOUT HER HUSBAND'S PERMISSION
-she is not allowed to do this; he can come home
-and have jim3aa with her though she is fasting
-because she did not have his PERMISSION
-no permission is needed for SAUM

Abu Huraira (RA) narrated the Prophet (SAW) said: "It is not lawful for a woman to fast (Nawafil) when her husband is present except with his permission; and she should not allow anyone to enter his house except with his permission; and if she spends of his wealth (on charitable purposes) without being ordered by him, he will get half of the reward." [al-Bukhari (5195) and Muslim (1026)]

-pinning down your wife is not nushooz; but it must be done playfully
-most women have fantasies to have their husband take them playfully, not violently


11. SHE REFUSING TO DRESS UP ALLURINGLY FOR HER HUSBAND
-she doesn't wear perfume, tights, mesh-stockings, lace, lingerie,
-make-up to be alluring to him

****REGARDING NAVEL-PIERCING, anyone can develop an infection if it is done improperly; done properly, it doesn't cause infections****

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) was asked: What is the ruling on cosmetic surgery that is done by women? He replied: If it is done to remove a fault, there is nothing wrong with it so long as it does not cause any harm, because ‘Arfajah (may Allah be pleased with him) wore a nose made of gold when his nose was cut off. One example is tightening or lifting drooping breasts. End quote. Thamaraat al-Tadween, p. 133 And Allah knows best..


12. HER SITTING WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS TO DISCUSS THE BEDROOM SECRETS OF HER & HER HUSBAND
-this is NOT permitted
-some brothers say they don't mind if their wife tells their bedrooms secrets
-because they think it will be good advertising for them to get a 2nd wife!

Asma’ bint Yazeed, who said that she was with the Messenger of Allah (SAW), when men and women were sitting with him, and he said: “I think there are some men who talk about what they do with their wives, and that there are some women who talk about what they do with their husbands.” The people stayed silent. [Asma’] said: “Yes, by Allah, O Messenger of Allah, [women] do that and [men] do that!” He said, “Do not do that, for it is as if a male devil met a female devil in the street and had intercourse with her whilst the people were watching.” [Musnad Ahmad (Vol. 6 p.456) No. 27624]

Abu Sa'id al-Khudri (RA) reported the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: “Indeed from the worst of people on the Day of Resurrection is one who has marital relations with his wife and then spreads her private matters.” [Sahih Muslim (2/1060) No. 1437]


13. HER NEGLECTING HER DUTIES TOWARD THE HOUSE
-she doesn't keep it clean and tidy or house-proud
-don't divorce her (get a maid)

Narrated Abû Mâlik Al-Hârith bin Âsim Al-Ash’ari: Allah’s Messenger said, “Cleanliness is half of Faith" (Muslim)


14. HER NEGLECTING HER DUTIES TOWARD HER HUSBAND
-his food, clothing, conjugal needs
-Hanbali madhab says she doesn't have to look after the house or cook the food
-but the Maliki and Shafi'i and Hanafi refute this
-the Prophet was called to be the judge and he said Fatima
-was responsible for everything INSIDE the home


15. THE WIFE DOESN'T PRACTICE PROPER ISLAMIC TARBIYA WITH HER CHILDREN
-her kids are exposed to harmful viewing (such as TV and Internet)
-nor taught the duaas of the home
-she might not have taught her kids al walaa wal baraa;
-she caused her kids to have friends who are enemies of Islam
-this is one of the worst types of nushooz


16. SHE IS TOO DOMINEERING AND BOSSY WITH HER HUSBAND
-it is haram because the man is the ameer of the home
-behaving like the opposite gender is haram

Abdullah ibn Umar reported that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: "Three people will not enter paradise and Allah will not look to them on the Day of Judgment: the one who is disobedient to his parents, the woman who imitates men and the ad-Dayooth (cuckold, weak man who feels no jealousy over his womenfolk)..." [Musnad Ahmad (2/134) No. 6180, Musnad al-Bazzar (12/270) No. 6051, al-Sunnan al-Kubra al-Nasa'i (2/63) No. 2354, al-Mu’jam al-Awsat al-Tabarani (3/51) No. 2443]

-"Sheila" means he behaves like a woman in the home
-each should play their own roles
-behave like a man in the home so your son will grow up to be a man


17. SHE IS GARRULOUS = PRONE TO ARGUING / EXCESSIVE TALKING ESPECIALLY ON TRIVIAL MATTERS

Narrated by ‘Aishah that the Prophet said: “The most despicable person to Allah is one who is harshly argumentative." [al-Bukhari (2457) and Muslim (2668)]


18. THE WIFE IS NOT AFFECTIONATE AT HOME
-she is cold like a stone wall so the husband looks for affection out of the home
-chat up' - flirting
-this is permitted between spouses
-you need to massage the ego of your husband

BOSSY WOMEN
-in the time of the Rasool (saw), he women of Quraish were not bossy
-a sahabah got married to a woman from Madina (bossy women)
-he tried to make love to her in a position that she was not willing to do
-so Allah 'tala revealed an ayah to take sides with the husband

Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will, and send (good deeds, or ask Allah to bestow upon you pious offspring) before you for your ownselves. And fear Allah, and know that you are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give good tidings to the believers (O Muhammad ). (Al-Baqarah 2:223)

It is narrated that Umar ibn al-Khattaab said to the Prophet:"….We Quraysh used to control our women, but when we came to the Ansaar we found that they were a people who were controlled by their women. So our women started to adopt the ways of the Ansaari women. I got angry with my wife and she argued with me and I did not like her arguing with me. She said, "Why do you object to me arguing with you ? By Allaah, the wives of the Prophet argue with him....." Narrated by al-Bukhaari 4895 ; Muslim 1479


~IN THE BEDROOM EVERY POSITION IS HALAL AND EVERY ACT IS HALAL EXCEPT SODOMY~



THE SOURCES OF NUSHOOZ

1. NUSHOOZ FROM THE WIFE

2. NUSHOOZ FROM THE HUSBAND BEHAVING BADLY

3. NUSHOOZ FROM THE KIDS (BEHAVING BADLY)
-sometimes step-children break up a marriage


4. NUSHOOZ FROM THE WALI
-some are racist


5. NUSHOOZ FROM THE PARENTS
-many sisters are terrified of living with their in-laws
-this is especially true with Asian in-laws
-in-laws often interfere
-sometimes they put pressure on their sons to divorce their wives
-the ummah will never give up asabiyya

Ibn Taymiyyah said: "It is not permissible for him to divorce her because of what his mother says, rather he should honour his mother, but divorcing his wife is not part of honoring his mother. And Allah knows best. [Majmu al-Fataawa al-Kubra, (Vol. 3, pg. 331)]

Abu Malik al-Ashari narrated the Prophet (SAW) said: ”There are four matters of jaahiliyyah that exist among my ummah and they will not give them up: boasting about one’s forefathers, casting aspersions upon people’s lineages, seeking rain by the stars and wailing for the dead.” [Sahih Muslim (Vol. 2 pg. 644) No. 934]

Narrated Jubair ibn Mut’im: The Messenger of Allah (SAW), said: "He is not one us who calls for `Asabiyah, (nationalism/tribalism) or who fights for `Asabiyah or who dies for `Asabiyah." [Sunan Abu Dawud (Vol. 2, pg. 753) No. 5121]


6. NUSHOOZ FROM THE FRIENDS OF THE WIFE OR HUSBAND
-when a wife has bad friends, they will break the marriage
-when a man has bad friends, they will break the marriage
-these friends are JEALOUS
-so you're not permitted to allow a wife to have evil friends
-they will be influenced by the evil friends
-practice what you preach

~Listen to your wife when she tells you not to have an evil friend~

Enjoin you Al-Birr (piety and righteousness and each and every act of obedience to Allah) on the people and you forget (to practise it) yourselves, while you recite the Scripture [the Taurāt (Torah)]! Have you then no sense? (Al-Baqarah 2:44)


NUSHOOZ IS CAUSED BY A CLASH OF CULTURES AND AQEEDA AND CREED


HOW TO PREVENT NUSHOOZ

1. FEARING ALLAH ‘TALA

2. GIVING EACH OTHER THEIR RIGHTS

3. AVOIDING EVIL COMPANIONS